Song Beneath The Song

Twenty-one years, eighteen days, seventeen hours, thirteen minutes and counting. In a world of ambiguity, helplessness and pains, perhaps an hour more would be too much to bear. When we were little, all we wanted was to grow up, to mature, to be independent, to be unconstrained by parental controls and the norms expected of us as we conform to the standards set by people superior to us. And true to the course of nature, we do grow up. Sometimes too fast that we feel our precious childhood had just left us. We whine, we cry, we become upset by the tremendous responsibilities accompanying adulthood and maturity. We cringe Erikson and suddenly cram to achieve intimacy, generativity and ego integrity erstwhile avoiding isolation, stagnation and the shoddily despair.

Perhaps we never have even the slightest idea of what we really needed, nor of what we really wish to happen—everything tends to become a mistake, and as such, to be treated as something to be avoided. But when we realize the grand scheme of things, we therefore come to the realization that things really do happen for a reason, and no matter how awry, grim or repugnant things might become, the purpose that permeates matter, things and time, is existentially good, and in one way or the other, has an effect in shaping what we are at present.

Yes I have the propensity to become overrated. It is a phenomenological truth. No amount of hypothesizing nor psychopathological analysis would explain the present me. I hide behind pseudonyms, pseudo-faces and so much broken links that knowing the real me will only lead to much ambiguity and confusion. Nosce te ipsum advices of us of our intelligent forefathers. Much simple words methinks for a task so huge a lifetime of deciphering would never be enough for an impetus. Yet we still keep on doing so, for answering that simple question is but the key to sharing ourselves with others.

While I was rummaging through my stuffs, I accidentally found a piece of paper I immediately recalled as my high school project. It was aptly titled, “Ten Things I Love About Myself.” What I’ve read is too much reality I seemed to have forgotten. After I reread the work that at first seemed foreign to me, sense came back into me and all I could feel is an unending gratitude that the things written in that piece of paper is indeed happening in my life. That was real solace. Why do I have to be reminded that there are things that I currently have but I do not have appreciation for? And yes, all I need was a piece of paper.

(The literature below shows the exact content and I have considered it prudent to leave it unedited.)

“TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MYSELF”

I love myself…

Not only for being blessed with lots and lots of friends I can trust and rely on but for what they have done in making my life special and knowing that for the past years of our friendship, I never had any regrets in terms of being together with them and I know that this friendship would be endless…

Not only for all my problems and life struggles that test my strength and faith in God but for what they have done in transforming myself to become a better person and the assurance that God will always be at my side for every problem that might come my way…

Not only for having special talents and abilities I can use everyday of my life but for what they have been doing in making my life really unique…

Not only for my special traits, like the strengths that I have that amaze many people, I can carry hardships, I can carry burdens, I can hold happiness, love and joy, but for what I really am… I smile when I want to scream, I sing when I want to cry, I cry when I am happy, and I live when I just want to give up…

Not only for being proud about myself in the right time, places, and circumstances but for the fact that I had been respecting myself and others, I am aware of who am I, I neither seek definition from the person I am with, nor do I expect them to read my mind, and I am quite capable of articulating my needs…

Not only for the fact that I know love, and therefore I give love but for that I recognize that my love has great value and importance and must be reciprocated. If my love is taken for granted, it soon disappears…

Not only for the fact that I know God and I live according to His Divine Loving Providence but I know that with God, the world is my playground, but without God, I will just be played with…

Not only for having my entire family who is always there whenever I need their advices and guidance but for the fact that they are still there no matter what, even knowing that I am really an unpredictable creature and still knowing and believing in my own capabilities whatsoever…

Not only that I am highly privileged with what I am experiencing right now or with what I am currently enjoying in but for what I am possessing to have these little spices, a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance. I know that I will, at times, have to inspire others to realize the potentials God had given them…

Not only that I do not live in fear of the future because of my past but instead, I understand that my life experiences are merely lessons meant to bring myself closer to self-knowledge and unconditional self-love.

What are the ten things you love about yourself? If this post inspires you and you feel loved, then consider yourself tagged.

***

P. S. Tin-tin, thanks for being so nice. You are one of the reasons why I love myself better now. This post is especially dedicated to you. (Remember the previous pictures?)

Samson

Samson's parents were not able to have children, but they prayed to God that He would give them a son. An angel came to the parents and said they would have a son and he would be strong, and they must raise him as a Nazarite. Part of a Nazarite vow involves never cutting your hair.

Samson grew up and had the strength of several men. The Philistines hated Samson because of the damage he caused to their cities and fields. In one battle he slew 1000 of the Philistines all by himself using the jawbone of a donkey that he found on the ground nearby.

Samson's great weakness was beautiful women. Samson fell in love with a beautiful Philistine woman named Delilah. Night after night he visited her residence to spend hours with her.

Delilah had been promised a great sum of money from the Philistines if she could discover the secret of his incredible strength. Every day Delilah teased and begged Samson to tell her the secret of his tremendous strength. To get her to stop begging him on several different occasions he told her false things that would destroy his strength. He told her, "If you tie me with seven bowstrings I will lose my power."

While Samson was sleeping she tied him with seven bowstrings and shouted, "Samson! Wake up! The Philistines are upon you!"

Samson woke up and killed the Philistines.

Delilah accused Samson of not loving her because he lied to her and kept asking him the secret.A few more times Samson told her different lies and the same thing happened. e beat them all.

You'd think after one time Samson would get it that Delilah didn't really love him, but he thought he was so in love with her, he didn't care.

Delilah kept begging him to tell her his secret. Finally Samson told her "If you cut off all of my hair I shall be as weak as any other man."

When Samson was sleeping, Delilah of course cut his hair. The Philistines came; Samson woke to fight them, but his hair was gone and so was his strength. The Philistines were able to capture him and take him prisoner. Delilah, in the name of love, had betrayed him completely.

They blinded Samson and made him spend the rest of his days doing the job that an ox would do, grinding at the mill. He frequently was put on display for the Philistine people to mock him and to heap scorn upon him as their former mighty enemy whom the Philistines had reduced to a life worse than death.

One day Samson felt the breeze blowing through his hair which had begun to grow again, and he realized that his incredible strength was returning. He heard that there was to be a great festival in the Temple of Dagon, the Philistines’ false god. Three thousand people, including the Philistines’ most powerful political, military and religious leaders would be present in the temple.

Samson prayed earnestly, “Oh, God please forgive me for my sins and please use me for your glory one more time.”

At the festival in the temple of Dagon the people began to call for Samson to appear so that they could mock him and shout taunts at him. Samson had seen the temple of Dagon years earlier and knew how it had been constructed, its enormous weight bearing upon two tall round pillars in the center. As Samson stood between the columns the people laughed at him and spat on him. He prayed to the LORD God, "Oh, God, please be with me one more time. Allow me to avenge my people who are held in bondage by these people who worship a false and worthless god. Let your name be avenged."

Samson stretched his mighty arms around the two pillars and pulled with all of his great strength which had returned. The temple crashed around him with dust and huge stones falling onto the heads of Samson and the people who were worshipping the false god Dagon. All of the powerful political, military and spiritual leaders were present in the temple and they also were killed. Samson also died.

Source:
http://artists.letssingit.com/regina-spektor/samson/58dgz1x/reviews

Stand in the Rain

When I was 9, I sustained a fall at our bathroom. I hit my forehead from the tub, the skin opened up, and you could almost see my aponeurosis (galea aponeurotica) from the injured part. I was rushed to the nearest family clinic where I received local anesthesia and have my injured forehead sutured. The fall in itself is painless. The area was numb and all I could feel was blood rushing out of my head. However, when the physician starts closing me up, I could almost feel every stitch piercing my skin and my flesh. I had 6 pairs of stitches, and we went home with my head and spirit (broken) all sutured-up.

After 5 days, we went back to the clinic to have my sutures removed. At that time, atraumatic sutures, skin glue and absorbable sutures are virtually non-existent (or is it?). The doctor started cutting the sutures and pulling them out of my flesh with a mosquito forceps. I could literally feel the threads sliding and shearing pass my skin. Halfway through the purportedly pain-free procedure, the doctor admittedly confessed that he wasn’t able to inject some anesthetics over my forehead. He was removing my sutures without the benefit of freaking anesthesia. That explains the sensation of pain. And there I was lying still in the clinic bed, complacently uncomplaining of the pain I should have never gone through. I went out of the clinic, nevertheless, and there remains in my forehead the scar that bears witness to my childhood carelessness and unbearable sacrifice.

We all love to feel pain. I don’t know if other people do (or you guys do), but I have a personal penchant for feeling the queasiness, the almost intolerable sensation of hurt. I think it is because pain is what makes us feel more human, more humble, more lowly. Sometimes I think about all the pains I have endured throughout my lifetime—physical pains, emotional pains, psychological pains, spiritual pains—and how I have successfully transcended all of them (or how I am battling with them at present) and then I suddenly feel a personal bliss. If my memory would serve me right, my childhood pains all carries special treasures I call precious memories of my being-ness. The pains are the combinations of my downfalls, failures, successes, capabilities, weaknesses and victories as a man, as an individual, and as a person. Because we are always bound to experience pain in every single moment of our lives. Whether it be of an upcoming operation, or an uncomfortable medical procedure, or of a measly pinprick or a little rose thorn stuck in between your fingers or toes. Or of an impending separation with your loved ones, or the stretch of cardiac myofibrils when the person you really love broke your heart, or the pains of a broken heart mending. Or probably of the feeling of spiritual alienation, spiritual desolation or anger with The One. Pain will always be a part of our existence, had been, will be… will forever be.

One important thing about such painful experience is mostly not the avoidance of, or repulsion from pain. Sometimes it is the unconditional acceptance of pain that is what truly matters. It is in making most of second chances, of learning from these pains, and sometimes, becoming desensitized from them, but not completely numbing ourselves from the experience of it. Because sometimes, pains are inevitable blessings from Him, and all that we should feel is an unending, ever-flowing gratitude to the Source of All Things. And all we should do is to completely surrender ourselves—mind, heart, and all—to His Loving Providence.

***

A post regarding my existence during my 6-months absence will soon follow. I will be spending some time for my personal recollection (June 18-20) at Boracay. Drop me a line, and let’s spend a wonderful time in the tropical paradise.

-ruff-nurse-du-jour, 16-june-07, 10p

Brighter Than Sunshine

After a long hibernation, the man with an incredible heart is back for yet another season of joys, tragedies and pains. So, read on, and be one with me as I celebrate the end of loneliness and another start of a spectacular beginning.

***

He had already understood that he would never leave that room, for it was foreseen that the city of mirages would be wiped out by the wind and exiled from the memory of men at the precise moment when Aureliano Babilonia would finish deciphering the parchments, and that everything written on them was unrepeatable since time immemorial and forever more, because races condemned to one hundred years of solitude did not have a second opportunity on earth.

Because “there are things in this universe that we cannot control, and then there are the things we can. . . . Let fate, coincidence, and accident conspire; human beings must act on reason.

"Good bye Mr. Wigin tell them I'm strong tell them I'm a man."

From Cien Anos de Soledad/Snow Falling on Cedars/A Lesson Before Dying

-ruff nurse-du-jour, 12-jun-07, 3p