Song Beneath The Song

Twenty-one years, eighteen days, seventeen hours, thirteen minutes and counting. In a world of ambiguity, helplessness and pains, perhaps an hour more would be too much to bear. When we were little, all we wanted was to grow up, to mature, to be independent, to be unconstrained by parental controls and the norms expected of us as we conform to the standards set by people superior to us. And true to the course of nature, we do grow up. Sometimes too fast that we feel our precious childhood had just left us. We whine, we cry, we become upset by the tremendous responsibilities accompanying adulthood and maturity. We cringe Erikson and suddenly cram to achieve intimacy, generativity and ego integrity erstwhile avoiding isolation, stagnation and the shoddily despair.

Perhaps we never have even the slightest idea of what we really needed, nor of what we really wish to happen—everything tends to become a mistake, and as such, to be treated as something to be avoided. But when we realize the grand scheme of things, we therefore come to the realization that things really do happen for a reason, and no matter how awry, grim or repugnant things might become, the purpose that permeates matter, things and time, is existentially good, and in one way or the other, has an effect in shaping what we are at present.

Yes I have the propensity to become overrated. It is a phenomenological truth. No amount of hypothesizing nor psychopathological analysis would explain the present me. I hide behind pseudonyms, pseudo-faces and so much broken links that knowing the real me will only lead to much ambiguity and confusion. Nosce te ipsum advices of us of our intelligent forefathers. Much simple words methinks for a task so huge a lifetime of deciphering would never be enough for an impetus. Yet we still keep on doing so, for answering that simple question is but the key to sharing ourselves with others.

While I was rummaging through my stuffs, I accidentally found a piece of paper I immediately recalled as my high school project. It was aptly titled, “Ten Things I Love About Myself.” What I’ve read is too much reality I seemed to have forgotten. After I reread the work that at first seemed foreign to me, sense came back into me and all I could feel is an unending gratitude that the things written in that piece of paper is indeed happening in my life. That was real solace. Why do I have to be reminded that there are things that I currently have but I do not have appreciation for? And yes, all I need was a piece of paper.

(The literature below shows the exact content and I have considered it prudent to leave it unedited.)

“TEN THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MYSELF”

I love myself…

Not only for being blessed with lots and lots of friends I can trust and rely on but for what they have done in making my life special and knowing that for the past years of our friendship, I never had any regrets in terms of being together with them and I know that this friendship would be endless…

Not only for all my problems and life struggles that test my strength and faith in God but for what they have done in transforming myself to become a better person and the assurance that God will always be at my side for every problem that might come my way…

Not only for having special talents and abilities I can use everyday of my life but for what they have been doing in making my life really unique…

Not only for my special traits, like the strengths that I have that amaze many people, I can carry hardships, I can carry burdens, I can hold happiness, love and joy, but for what I really am… I smile when I want to scream, I sing when I want to cry, I cry when I am happy, and I live when I just want to give up…

Not only for being proud about myself in the right time, places, and circumstances but for the fact that I had been respecting myself and others, I am aware of who am I, I neither seek definition from the person I am with, nor do I expect them to read my mind, and I am quite capable of articulating my needs…

Not only for the fact that I know love, and therefore I give love but for that I recognize that my love has great value and importance and must be reciprocated. If my love is taken for granted, it soon disappears…

Not only for the fact that I know God and I live according to His Divine Loving Providence but I know that with God, the world is my playground, but without God, I will just be played with…

Not only for having my entire family who is always there whenever I need their advices and guidance but for the fact that they are still there no matter what, even knowing that I am really an unpredictable creature and still knowing and believing in my own capabilities whatsoever…

Not only that I am highly privileged with what I am experiencing right now or with what I am currently enjoying in but for what I am possessing to have these little spices, a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance. I know that I will, at times, have to inspire others to realize the potentials God had given them…

Not only that I do not live in fear of the future because of my past but instead, I understand that my life experiences are merely lessons meant to bring myself closer to self-knowledge and unconditional self-love.

What are the ten things you love about yourself? If this post inspires you and you feel loved, then consider yourself tagged.

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P. S. Tin-tin, thanks for being so nice. You are one of the reasons why I love myself better now. This post is especially dedicated to you. (Remember the previous pictures?)

Brighter Than Sunshine

After a long hibernation, the man with an incredible heart is back for yet another season of joys, tragedies and pains. So, read on, and be one with me as I celebrate the end of loneliness and another start of a spectacular beginning.

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He had already understood that he would never leave that room, for it was foreseen that the city of mirages would be wiped out by the wind and exiled from the memory of men at the precise moment when Aureliano Babilonia would finish deciphering the parchments, and that everything written on them was unrepeatable since time immemorial and forever more, because races condemned to one hundred years of solitude did not have a second opportunity on earth.

Because “there are things in this universe that we cannot control, and then there are the things we can. . . . Let fate, coincidence, and accident conspire; human beings must act on reason.

"Good bye Mr. Wigin tell them I'm strong tell them I'm a man."

From Cien Anos de Soledad/Snow Falling on Cedars/A Lesson Before Dying

-ruff nurse-du-jour, 12-jun-07, 3p

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

My Medicall Family. From Left to Right, Back Row. Mommy Gigi, Me, Karen, Beverly, Dearly, Nina, Dang, Julianne, Jim. Front Row. Christine (in Aqua), RJ, Mia, Lawrence.

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I woke up last Saturday with a huuuuggge sigh of relief. I made it 2 weeks into my new job and I just love it. It feels as if I have accomplished something so huge and I couldn’t feel any more prouder of myself. I know that that short a duration of work is relatively brief compared to some of my medium- and long-term undertakings but I’m equally elated and contented with the outcome thus far and I know I definitely did something really good.

I used to have a lot of reservations in my current job. I used to drown myself in self-doubts asking whether I’m good enough to be an efficient nurse agent. I wallow into the ocean of uncertainty as to whether the career path that I have chosen will be a fruitful and productive one. I stayed behind the shadows of my fears and suspicions. I feared I have regressed into my old past all surrounded with mediocrity and inconsistency.

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Medicall Co-Nurse Agents and MRI's. 1st week of Training.

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But now I know that I’m not that person anymore. During the past week, I’m really proud to say that I think I had consciously strived to become a better version of myself—an improved person with an unequalled and unparalleled worth. I expanded my comfort zone. I brought down my personal boundaries. I began to trust people better and I have invested in several relationships with new friends and colleagues. I have transcended successfully—from a child carefree and free-spirited and light—to a man responsible, mature and mindful of his demeanor and character. I have never felt this good before. The happiness within me is palpable and that fact makes me extremely happy.

With Jim (Alladin), Nina (Peasant) and Me (Genie). Graduation Day Presentation.

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I guess life has its own ways on making us realize our importance and worth. May it be succeeding on your personal careers, or gaining an A+ on a very important undertaking, or successfully mending a broken relationship with a person who used to be really close to you, or creating new ones with people you feel comfortable and at ease with—everything is possible with faith and determination. Risks are everywhere and is everything but inevitable, but wouldn’t you agree with me that success is much much sweeter when we know that we were able rise above our limitations and we reached our aspirations with perseverance and determination?

My Co-Nurse Agents. The Best Batch in the World. Hehe.
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At the end of the day, there still are a lot of things that we should be thankful for. Be thankful for the past memories that shaped what we are at present. Be thankful for the present happiness and heartaches, joys and blessings, and the precious gift of being alive. Be thankful for people who stayed with us through the good and the bad, who accepted us despite our imperfections and flaws, who loves us unconditionally and unreservedly, and made us realize that our present lives is still a piece of heaven here on earth. Be thankful for being cynical, for in cynicism we find hope, in darkness we find peace, and in loss we find a new reason to gain something we never had before.

Being surrounded with the most wonderful people you'll ever meet in your life truly makes the Holidays worth celebrating. Post-graduation day. Medicall Philippines, Inc.

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It is all about appreciating every little blessing we breathe in day in and day out. Today is the perfect moment for celebrating the real essence of the Season—that is, the Child is born to make this world a better place for you and me. Life is to be cherished and treasured. It is to be shared with people that are close to our hearts. And with a resounding heart and a spirit full of unending gratitude, I would like to wish all of you a VERY MEANINGFUL CHRISTMAS AND A BLESSED NEW YEAR. God Bless Us Best. All Is Full of Love.

-ruff

Somewhere Only We Know

“Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Somewhere only we know?”


Jed, Julianne, Me. At Medicall, Paseo Office, during my Final Interview, Exams, Etc. Loves it. =)

I had yet another bipolar episode just last evening. As you all know, I have been working in a call center for almost a week now and aside from both the physical and emotional rollercoaster I rode into as I entered this kind of job, I never thought that a half-year’s worth of preparation into getting my first job wasn’t at all enough. I’m still feeling overwhelmed at times, and those thoughts make me sick.

As a meager trainee, my call center shift starts at 4am and ends at 12nn. Nothing much exciting from my first days of work, really. Aside from multiple episodes of speechlessness, being tongue-tied, and some horrendous defiance of the laws of speech, rhetoric and grammar, I guess I coped and survived well, scathed, bruised and wounded, but alive nonetheless.

I believe that first impressions do last, and I’m pleased to say that my first impressions of my workmates are relatively good. Everything is near to perfection. Everyone in my group looks approachable and friendly, and I have made some new friends as well. I know things will definitely be good.

I’m still in training though. And I so so love this company, and I’m loving it more day in and day out. There’s just so much this company offers me and I fear that I had become a mediocre. I couldn’t do my best. I know that I have a lot to give but it feels like there’s something hampering me from doing it. I just couldn’t have it all figured out. The workplace is very conducive for work and learning. My superiors are really excellent and we had very good rapport. Even my colleagues, they had been very welcoming of me and all of them are understanding, patient and therapeutic without a doubt. Every ingredient of an ideal job is present but there’s still something missing. Darn, I hate this vexing feeling. My thoughts are becoming more and more unbearable.

I love this job and I love the company of my friends, especially Julianne, Mommy Gi-Gi, Jim, Nina, among others, who are probably the reasons why I endure the painstaking 2am wake-up-alarms everyday to come to work. They are all very helpful, and though I haven’t had the opportunity of thanking them, in my heart are the sincerest thoughts of gratitude for literally and figuratively making my day and boosting my spirit. With a grateful heart, thank you very very much. You guys have no idea how much serene and peaceful my mind becomes whenever you impart on me your genuine words of encouragements. I couldn’t have survived my 1st week of job without your help and concern.

I have a short weekend to think through it. I’m itching to sign my irresistible contract and I KNOW that I’m ready for the responsibilities that I’m supposed to carry out. I love this job and I hope I could find my drive—my MOJO—to become one of the best nurse agent in this company. No more second bests. No more mediocrity. No more uncertainties. Just plain clean excellence. And nothing less.

I'm A Nurse, and I Love It!

My Beloved RLE. Thesis Meeting. At The Medicine Pavilion. UST.

In my 20 years of existence, if there were a thing that I have never brought into full consummation, it would be my painful and tortuous attempt on reconciling my personal and professional life. Everything in me is bipolar, dichotomous, and to a certain point asynchronous up to the degree that I’m often misconstrued as a psychopath afflicted with a Dissociative Personality Disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder) with psychotic features. In fact, with my instigation of this noveau chronicle comes another paradox—that I have kept another journal where my deepest personal secrets are disclosed and I remained as the ever-anonymous writer only known by some of my closest friends. This is my attempt to unveil the shadows that shroud my personal life and to uncover the darkness of my existence from the misconceptions of the bygone.

RLE 1 with Sir Earl at Barangay Malitlit, Lipa City, Batangas.

Graduating with honors is one of the greatest accomplishments in this unbearable existence of mine. This, and the fact that I have chosen the perfect course (as to my personal opinion) never fails to make me truly contented and equally elated. Nursing is painful, and is no little work. When I was younger I have the penchant and the liking of watching shows where medical actions and dramas are portrayed in epic proportions. I couldn’t help but notice how the doctors (interns, consultants, surgeons, etc.) are the existential protagonists and nurses are often ill-portrayed as annoying, helper-like, useless, and sometimes incompetent assistants. I have the wanting of being a doctor then—me saving lives, blah blahs and so on will satisfy the superiority complex I believe that was instilled in me. So I’ve decided to enter the BSN course as a tempestuous attempt to thrust my future medical career.

With Toni and Wilette (and others Haha). At Super Bowl SM San Lazaro.

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Come 4 years thereafter, my years in and out of hospital duties, community exposures, occupational nursing visits, trips to rural health units in and out of the city, and shifting rotations to special hospital wards (ICU, OR, DR, Kidney Units, etc.) or hospital affiliations (Lazaro, Ortho, TMC, etc.) became my *LIFE* for the past three years. Watching a patient with rabies die, observing parasites in copula, demonstrating how to operate a skeletal traction, scrubbing 8-hours straight in a cranioplasty procedure, delivering a baby with congenital anomalies (CLP, gastroschisis, among others), are but FEW of the HIGHLIGHTS that enlivens my nursing shifts, aside from the usual VS q4, SS PRN, TTS q2, CPT PRN and the endorsements that have become basic hospital routines.

With Ms. Tionko, ECG Seminar, 2006

Hospital life is not all that bad. In fact, an 8-hour hospital shift is enough to open one’s mind to the life lessons waiting to be found in a patient’s room, or in the nurse’s station if you are much more observant and lucky. In fact, it is during my cramped-up duty hours that I get to work efficiently and I was able to function better. I developed the liking of eating hospital foods and realizing that I can shed a few pounds if I stick on this kind of diet. I started associating myself to certain characters in the medical shows I subscribe to (Scrubs, ER, House M.D., Medical Investigations, and recently, Grey’s Anatomy). Watching Discovery Channel, NatGeo, etc. seems to become too familiar and extremely amazing. Reading medical bulletins, journals, and updates turns out to be a very satisfying experience, and the Allied Health Science Library (Med. Lib.) becomes a very inviting and appealing place.

The Best of Times With The Best of Peers. At Calaruega, Nasugbu, Batangas. Retreat '06.

In between juggling duties and lectures are my attempts to incorporate my existence in the real life I chose to pursue. I still had night-outs, but in fewer, lesser episodes; had some (plenty of?) trips to Gateway, Glorietta, and SM to provide a breather to my neurotic life; had extra-curricular activities squeezed in in few fleeting moments; and had my “15-second” moments of fame on several occasions. Thence I realize this “nursing” profession must be a very fitting calling to my extroverted, aggressive personality.

Nursing Life's Not That Bad. Birthday Celebration of Me, Wilette, Joyce and Rowena. At Congo Grille, SM San Lazaro.

My perspective on nursing as my pre-med course drifts into nonexistence as my vision turns into graduating with the future degree of “B.S.N., R.N., M.A.N.” NURSING IS A VERY NOBLE PROFESSION IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE THROUGH IT CLEARLY. If people (or patients) consider their doctors as their personal heroes, why can’t they attribute the same level of respect to nurses alike? We tend to patients round the clock, we provide them with the utmost level of comfort through our individualized care, and we demand no professional fees, and it seems as if we really deserve the infamous title “OVERWORKED AND WAY WAY UNDERPAID.” No angst implied, I guess that’s just the way things are, and we just have to deal with it.

Real Happiness. With Peers. Thesis Meeting. At Gelo's and Vernon's Apartment.

On my response during the Recognition Day where I was asked with the proverbial question: “What have you learned in Nursing School?” The answer to the question is plain and simple: “It is in nursing that I have grown, matured, and developed into the near-perfect person I once only dreamt of and I never knew I was capable of becoming. I have learnt to cherish and to appreciate life better, to celebrate the gift of existence, and to discover lessons in every failure I had. I have learned that life entails sacrifices—and may it be for your future, for your family, or for your personal worth, if you can glimpse at the fruits of your labor, then you will realize that everything’s worth it, and you never really sacrificed at all.”

How Can One Define Real Contentment? Being Surrounded By Wonderful Blessings (and Finishing the Thesis at San Lazaro Hospital) is A Reason Enough to Celebrate.

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If it is in this field that I can find fulfillment, gratification, and contentment in this short life of mine, I’m more than willing to be an overworked nurse for the rest of my fleeting, ephemeral, but fabulous life.

With the Most Talented, Remarkable and Humble People at the College of Nursing -- My Pautakan Family. Recognition Day 2006, Right After My Address of Thanks.

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-Ruff.